Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
