During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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