Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
