Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
