Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
