oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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