I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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