she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
