She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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