If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
