I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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