how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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