im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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