My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
