I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
