I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
