You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize