I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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