I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
