I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize