I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
