Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
