Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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