Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
