Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize