just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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