the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize