After last night, I could never be a politician.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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