I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
