My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
