she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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