I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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