you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
