Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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