Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
