great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
