oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
