i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
