That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
