I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
