we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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