I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
is it fun? or sober?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize