we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
