My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
