I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
