i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize