I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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