google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
