Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize