i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
