whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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