I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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