My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
