I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You ruined the universe
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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