i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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