I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This is the high leading the old right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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