Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
