i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
