so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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