She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
When are your genitals available?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
