Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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