at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
