Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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