Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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